The Ten Condiments

Thou Shalt Grill Out

Welcome Subscribers & New Visitors!

I didn’t post anything last week because my mind’s been occupied with something the late Pope Francis said. His words started rattling around in my head and I couldn’t just let them be.

So, I decided to write a short story—about hell—which is turning out to be a longer-short story than I had anticipated. But I am very excited to share it this weekend. Keep an eye out!

Speaking of hell, the weather is starting to heat up (at least where I live), so I thought I’d post something lighthearted that will help get us all in a May mood as Memorial Day barbecues are now on the horizon.

Please enjoy! And don’t forget to LIKE, COMMENT, FOLLOW, and SUBSCRIBE!

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Condiments to the Chef

I was reading a food article today that had “condiments” in the title. It was called something like, “Keep Your Condiments Close…” Before I realized what it actually said, my eyes kept seeing “Keep Your Commandments Close…”

Then I started thinking about how similar the words Condiments and Commandments are. I never noticed this before.

It didn’t take long for me to start wondering what the Ten Condiments might be.

I also wondered if any parallel universe exists in which Moses came down from the mountain after convening with God and instead of toting a couple stone tablets with rules inscribed, he set up a couple stone tables loaded with burgers, dogs, chicken legs, and all the fixin’s.

You can guess what happened next…

Moses descends from the mountain with the Ten Condiments. (Rest assured, the other eight are right behind him, next to the grill.)

The Ten Condiments

You have been brought up out of the land of winter and into a time of spring, with summer on the horizon. Therefore, heed these Ten Condiments so that your outdoor gatherings may be pleasing unto the LORD and to all of your backyard guests:

1. Thou shalt use mayo sparingly or not at all. On second thought—just don’t.

2. Thou shalt not be ashamed to enjoy ketchup with ham & eggs.¹ [see footnotes]

3. Thou shalt choose a mustard according to its own kind and purpose (Dijon in vinaigrette, Yellow on hot dogs, Honey Mustard for dipping pretzels, etc.)

4. Honor thy hummus and sriracha, that thy days may be filled with exotic flavors from around the globe.

5. Thou shalt avoid gluten free buns without exception. They are nasty.²

6. Thou shalt relish sweet pickles, but do not relish kosher dills.³

7. Thou shalt place the lettuce directly under your patty. Soggy buns are an abomination. I say again, SOGGY BUNS ARE AN ABOMINATION.

8. Thou shalt only apply BBQ sauce to chicken legs with a brush—never your fingers. And definitely not your toes.⁴

9. Thou shalt only use a flattop for grilling onions, lest they fall through the grate of your Weber and eternally perish⁵ in the flames.

10. Remember the stinky cheeses and keep them wholly—set apart, far away from your burgers. Only Cheddar, Swiss, and American cheeses are acceptable to the nose of the LORD.

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• What is one condiment you must have handy at a cookout?

• What is a personal “rule” you always follow when it comes to how you dress your summer foods?

FOOTNOTES

1. However, ketchup with steak should cause you much, MUCH shame. Shame, shame, shame.

2. For the gluten-intolerant, we recommend ‘The Flying Dutchman’ or “Protein Style.’

3. “… but do not relish kosher dills”: this does not mean you are restricted from ‘enjoying them greatly;’ just don’t chop them up into tiny pieces to spread on your sausages. That is reserved for sweet pickles.

4. Like we needed to say that.

5. “Eternally perish” here refers to finally ceasing to exist, once and for all time. It is not meant to imply an ongoing and forever process of torturous perishment. No matter how much you think the onions might deserve it.