Future X
Can I still call myself a Christian?
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I can’t call myself a Christian anymore. I’ve tried. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I had a surgery recently, and part of the pre-op appointment included the question, “What religion are you?” The question took me by surprise.
I know why they were asking. The hospital wants to know in case the worst happens, like they need to call in a spiritual advisor for last rites, or comforting prayers, or whatever a particular religion requires in those moments when death seems imminent.
Within seconds, I answered “Christian,” but internally, a long series of queries flashed through my brain before I opened my mouth…
First, I thought about how I’ve always been a Christian—at least since that Sunday morning circa 1974 when between animal crackers and felt-board Bible story, I said I wanted Jesus in my heart. Since then, I have never followed another faith, or considered myself part of another belief system.
Then I thought (I know it’s hard to believe this all took place over two or three seconds) before I log my religion as “Christian” with the hospital administration, shouldn’t I reconcile that claim with the fact that I don’t attend a church on a regular basis?
Should I explain to the nurse that I’m really not sure what I believe, even after attending seminary for three years, being a full-time pastor for about a decade, and a missionary for another ten or so years after that?
Well, I made it through the surgery just fine. The chaplain had an extra coffee break that day. But still the existential question looms.
This space is called Future Xian.
Future, as in yet to come.
Xian, as in Christian.
This space is called Future Xian. Future, as in yet to come. Xian, as in Christian. (Interestingly, there’s a whole story in there about being taught how blasphemous it is to replace “Christ” with “X,” but that’s for another time.)
Instead of being a space overrun with negativity relating to my so-called religious deconstruction, I want to create a more positive, hopeful space. While I may not feel comfortable calling myself a “Christian” now, perhaps I will again someday.
There are two things (I think) I know about this journey. First, I may not get there, meaning, where I end up may not be recognizably Christian, at all—at least according to orthodox standards. Maybe I should just call it “Future X.”
But I know there is so much about Christianity, and especially Jesus, with which I still resonate. I’m not yet willing to release that possibility.
Second, wherever I arrive, I know it will be better than where I started. That’s because I’m committed to authentic self-exploration, wholistic investigation (rational and emotional), and honest conversation.
That last part is where you, the reader, comes in. As much as writing is a personal expression of my inner dialogue leading to better understanding of myself, writing should also be a dialogue with others.
Compared to my Facebook wall and X/Twitter feed, I think this kind of space is much more suited for meaningful interaction and mutual encouragement. I hope you’ll join in whenever the topic resonates with part of your journey. Will you?
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Thank you Eric, for creating this thoughtful space. As someone born into evangelicalism, most of my deepest personal relationships are with Christians. And those relationships have been beautiful. But when it comes to re-evaluating my faith, there aren’t many close friends or even family members that I can engage with, for fear that my doubts will potentially jeopardize the relationship - or come across as me being critical of their beliefs. All that to say, again, I’m grateful for the honest and thought provoking conversations that are sure to happen here.
Hmm....good stuff. Thanks for the invitation to this dialogue and I agree that inviting others into your journaling/writing/processing could hold some benefits as I suspect that there is much to be learned from others journey through this life. Looking forward to sharing my thoughts as I gather them.